on being closeted and coming out

this month i’ve been thinking a lot about how this time is feeling for our closeted LGBTQ+ community. i remember how lonely, isolating, sad, and hopeless it felt to be closeted when the world felt semi-normal to me, so I can’t imagine how much that is exacerbated for these folks during this time. especially for our black LGBTQ+ community during this time of fighting for justice against systemic racism and police brutality. especially for our undocumented and immigrant LGBTQ+ community during a time of horrific abuse and inhumane treatment of folks imprisoned in detention camps. especially for our POC LGBTQ+ community who are being disproportionately affected by the pandemic both physically and economically (and thus, emotionally).

i don’t have anything profound to say. but before pride month ended, i wanted to say something. i also didn’t want to speak for anyone else’s experience, because we are all experiencing what is going on so incredibly differently. i recently found something that i wrote probably about 2-3 years ago when I was really struggling with my identity, future, and faith. it’s amazing how much has changed for me since that time, and i wanted to just highlight a few of those changes. 

i felt weak for not being able to control my feelings. now that i embrace them i feel strong and free.

i felt hopeless about my future, believing that i wouldn’t get to be with who i loved. now that i know that the gender of who i love doesn’t matter, i am excited and hopeful for my future.

i felt angry with god for making me this way and not giving me the strength to resist. now i believe that i didn’t get the strength to resist because i wasn’t supposed to resist—and maybe it actually took more strength to “give in”.

i felt scared of how my family would think of me and treat me differently. now, my parents never fail to stand up for me and other LGBTQ+ folks in their community. my little sister challenges peers and adults in her christian circles on their view and treatment of the LGBTQ+ community, and reps her pride ally-ship with rainbow friendship bracelets. my brother “came out” to me as also liking girls and sent me his pride month spotify playlist.

i felt so incredibly sad about who i was, wishing that a big part of what makes me who I am just simply didn’t exist. now that i love and accept that part of myself, i am confident and happy with who i am.

i am SO proud of who i am. i am proud of myself and everyone who went through this journey alongside me. i’m so proud of every single LGBTQ+ individual, whether out, closeted, or somewhere in between. it really does get better.

lastly, if you are reading this and my experience is something you feel like you relate to in any way, i want you to know I’m here for you. i don’t care where you’re at in the journey, i will support you in any way that i can. I will listen, i will provide resources, i will share my experience. you are never alone, as much as you may feel like you are. more people care about you than you know right now, and i am one of those people. you are so loved, and i am so proud of you.