so i can kiss you anytime i want
this quote has hung in my parents’ bedroom for many, many years. when i walk into their room and look at it now, i can almost feel the jarring, sudden, sinking feeling in my gut that i used to feel when i would look at it only a few short years ago. when i was alone, my eyes filled with tears. when I wasn’t, i tried not to look at it at all. when i accidentally caught a glance, my heart would start to drop, and i would look away as quickly as i could without drawing any attention. i thought if anyone saw me looking at that quote, they would be able to see the desperation in my eyes. see right through me. see what i was.
i used to ponder this short, cliche quote in sadness. i would think about what it must feel like to be able to kiss the person you love whenever you wanted to, no matter who was watching. and then i would begin to cry, because i would never be able to know what that felt like. i would feel angry at all the people who took dumb, sappy, cliche quotes for granted. i would be bitter that every goddamn TJ Maxx was overflowing with stupid, unoriginal catchphrases that no one wanted in their home but me, and i couldn’t have them.
in some ways, this time in my life feels so long ago. like a distant memory or someone else’s life i am merely watching from the outside. and wow, i am so thankful to have made it to the other side. but sometimes, when i least expect it, i see something as simple as a piece of decor, and i begin to remember so clearly i can almost feel it all again. and when i remember, i so desperately want to tell every little queer kid who feels the same way that they deserve all the TJ Maxx wall art, no matter who they love. to tell them that they can kiss whoever the fuck they want, whenever they want to. i wish it was that easy. this is why every little bit of representation matters. because even the smallest things feel so huge in that dark space. this is why het PDA might make me roll my eyes but queer PDA makes me smile. because no kid should ever feel desperately hopeless after looking at a $15 framed quote in their parents’ bedroom, and every little win brings us closer to a society where they won’t have to.